People talk about living in the shadows of their past. Being haunted by regrets. Or fear.
But ever heard someone admit they're cloaked in the darkness of the "comparison game"?
I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. I actually know someone that would admit just that-- that they are overshadowed, yes even haunted by other people. Or at least, haunted when compared to those "other people".
Wanna know who that someone is? Yep, it's me.
It didn't used to be like this. I was happy and content growing up-- for the most part. Sure, I had my share of less-than-desirable circumstances. illnesses (mine or of those I loved). Arguments with my siblings. A parent losing a job. Pretty average hardships in this life.
But somewhere along the way, I learned to be bitter. Bitter about almost anything. "They got to eat more chocolate than me", "I didn't get my share of time on the computer", "They tattled on me and I'm gonna get back at them by being a royal pain..." Pretty immature, huh?
Unfortunately, that bitterness transferred to my teenage and adult years. But this time it is more serious. They broke a promise. I can't trust them anymore. I loved so-and-so and all I got in return was an annoyed response, if even that. no-one understands me. I feel like I can't do enough to be loved.
That last one is a shadow that has haunted me for years. I don't think i was even conscious of it being a deep wound in my heart until the past couple of years. and when I did, boy that bitterness settled it like bronchitis in weak lungs!
You may wonder why on earth I would feel like I had to perform to be loved and accepted. Let me give some background here.
I have several siblings, most of them older than me. Most of them are doing pretty well in the corporate world. One is pursuing online schooling and is a treasure trove of knowledge, several of them are very analytic and real problem-solvers, one owns a nice house. Two are married to great people, and one has an adorable kid. They are all hard-workers. Responsible and self-sacrificial. Great examples for me, right? Definitely (no sarcasm intended)! Oh, and the most important thing is that they all love God a ton. I admire that. But that's not the problem...
... The problem is, along with bitterness, somewhere along the way I learned to compare myself to others. Perhaps that is just a general human tendency, but I do believe that some struggle more with it than others. and I think I am one of those that struggles a LOT!
There is a particular sibling of mine that is basically fantastic at anything they try. Cooking, crafting, challenges, you name it. People notice. They applaud. They practically give them a standing ovation every time they succeed (which is pretty much all of the time). Ok, that might be a bit of an exaggeration, but you get the idea.
And so I find myself dragging ever deeper into the shadows of comparison and bitterness.
The paradoxical part of this situation with said particular sibling is that they are basically my best friend. which is why I think I compare myself to them so often-- I really admire them and want to be like them. And why it is crushing when I just don't measure up. and why it hurts even more when I realize I'm being bitter toward them. It must hurt God the most, though.
Relationships weren't ever meant to be about comparisons. When God made man, He gave him a specific mission and task to complete. God made woman to be the helper to man. That's a task. That's a mission. That's purpose.
Purpose is at the core of this issue, I do believe. Without living my true purpose, you can guarantee that I'm gonna be that shady character huddle in the corner of my mind, crowded and clouded by bitter thoughts, and participating in the mental gymnastics called "the comparison game".
I think part of my pitfall is believing the lie that my task and purpose has to be grand (by the world's standards). That I have to become famous or rich in order to "succeed", in order to be happy. Baptize that ideology, and you get such notions as "I have to be a missionary overseas in order to fulfill God's purpose for me", "I have to establish an orphanage in order to do God's will", "I have to become a wife and mother to have any impact" (that last one is a hard one to list-- being it's my lifelong dream!). Don't get me wrong, being a missionary, mother, or orphanage founder are all wonderful and godly things. But the thing is-- God may not have that in mind for every person-- or me, for that matter.
What if God took away my need to compare when He nailed my sin (that's what it is, folks!) of jealousy and envy to the cross? What if, when my envy and jealous were excruciatingly pinning Jesus to the cross, God replaced that despicable sin with Love (which is the exact opposite of envy and jealousy)? What if He rid me of the shadows of the "need" to perform in order to be loved? And what if that translates to His purpose for me?
My purpose may not be as grand as leading God's people through the Red Sea (Moses), or slaying a 9 foot tall giant (David), or saving my nation from certain physical death (Esther). More than likely, my purpose isn't gonna look like fame or riches (that's totally ok with me too! I'd prolly pee my pants from stage fright). Or even having a successful career and schooling. (Side note: I truly believe God can use people who are successful in their careers and schooling-- they can reach certain people with the gospel in ways I can only imagine).
My purpose probably looks like hugging a discouraged friend. Sending a cheerful note to an elderly person. Baking cookies for my grease monkey Good Samaritan. Loving on little children at church. Helping prepare food for church meals. Having late night heart-to-heart conversations with an upset sibling. Doing laundry or dishes to help out my family. Wiping up pukey messes from a family member who has the flu. What if God's purpose for me is a simple as using the Love He gave me at the cross to "love Him and love others"?
These things aren't polished and conventional like academic or corporate success. And they probably won't look like God's purpose for others.
But it isn't my goal to one day have a placard that reads, "[insert name here], designer award, etc. etc.". Rather, I long to one day hear, "well done, good and faithful servant!"
And how will I get to that point? By loving God and loving others...THAT is my purpose!
Sincerely,
Me 🖤